fear in love

I think we find trust in the middle of our heart-cries, in the midst of our let downs, or
right beneath the shadows of our past — in plain sight.

11 days. 11 days until I vow to spend my life with the first lover who fought to love me. I’ve been doing a lot of looking back, a lot of reflecting and thanking and pondering about the lovers I’ve loved and the fights I’ve fought… and it’s took me in deep… too deep at times.

I’ve realized that breathing isn’t always as easy as we were made to breathe,
And that promises are vulnerable and messy — but all together worthy and truthful.
I’ve come to understand that love is scary, yet undeniably beautiful.
And I’ve dreamt of the rest that falls after all of this chaos.

Looking back, I never thought I’d be the girl who had spent her growing years fighting to be loved, crying through the wounds and digging up the treasures that were hidden underneath the bloody battle of my heart.

But I definitely did not expect to be the girl who spun in circles and cried fear tears when love finally met her; with an overwhelming reality of truth.

Sometimes we’re faced with a choice; to run or to hide, and recently I’ve done both.
Sometimes I give, and sometimes I take — I want to do them in sync,
But often times I trip on my own heart. I remember too much of the past to allow truth in. You feel me?

There’s a song by Amanda cook and It goes, “It's taken some convincing that You are here to stay
It's hard for me to trust that any love is safe. When promises are spoken, they always seem to break.”

That used to be my story… I used to throw knives at love and receive promises and as a lie.
The thing about each of our stories is that, we will always know the closeness of that battle that stole us away for a time.
freedom is what allows us to breath again, but we will still always feel closely tied with the old; a memory, or trauma, that’s what we call it.

So I know it well, but I know my Jesus deeper. This hasn’t been in the click of a button, nor will it ever be that simple…
But a fight for the intimacy that heals me fully and wholly.

I know that in times of pain or trials of trusting; he is sane and keeps me well. I know that when fear knocks on my door and tells me to be afraid of love, or lies to my face — I step through the door and say “fear has no hold… love is right here,” cliché, but simple.

And as Amanda Cook also sings, “but something here is different, this doesn’t feel the same,” “you’re not going anywhere… you’re not going anywhere… we’re not going anywhere.”

I may trust in the awakening of a love that doesn’t leave,
Doesn’t taunt,
Doesn’t fear.
I can trust this time, because just as my father loves me without borders; I have found an earthly love that does the same.
This I know.
And so, Breath by breath.

We take each day — a breath.

Trusting, loving, resting.

a letter for 28

chronic illness.

peyton elise